Love, Actually.

The existential dread of romantic relationships, the “Am I really meant to spend my life doing this?”

La Belle Dame sans Merci (1893) by John William Waterhouse

I’m skeptical about the story of a happily ever after. Not only do I doubt this intensely rose-coloured narrative, but I’m also unconvinced that long-term romantic relationships typically exert a net positive effect on the parties involved.

I do not understand the insistence by society that individuals must pair-bond. That people, particularly women, who are single past a certain age are failures and should be at least subtly discriminated against. I wonder how much of the yearning for a lifelong partner is a result of social conditioning rather than a genuine innate desire.

Mentally, I’m still of the opinion that marriage is fine if it comes, and if it does not, it is still fine. But within me lies the dread of treading the road less travelled.

Penelope and the Suitors (1912) by John William Waterhouse

You see, the permanent pair-bond construct is so ingrained in society's fabric that it is considered the natural course of life events. While we know that every path has its pains, those that result from “rebellions” are harshly judged and branded as avoidable consequences of a foolish deviation. 

On the other hand, trudging along the expected tags most resultant suffering as “normal,” even virtuous.

You know the existential dread of romantic relationships, the occasional “Am I really meant to spend my life doing this?”

It is a thought that may be triggered by a perceived slight from a partner as you marinate in self-pity at having been treated in a less-than-your-idea-of-perfect way. Maybe the thought came as your eyes strayed beyond the confines of you and your lover's promises, as you wonder what other experiences you could be having.

Hylas and the Nymphs (1896) by John William Waterhouse

Sometimes, the trigger is more righteous. Am I meant to spend my life with a partner who cannot effectively communicate or physically abuses me? 

In my case, I swing from “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me; I’m certain it will stand the test of time!” to “Of course, it’s going to inevitably fail like all the other times.” I know I’m not alone in this oscillation. I can imagine you have thought this way a few times during the course of a relationship.

…Or maybe I am the problem.

Cleopatra (1888) by John William Waterhouse

I am the one whose pessimistic viewpoint mars the chance of growing something fruitful. I come off as too grating, too assertive, and too uncaring. Or maybe I cannot overlook lapses that others would.

I’m probably too self-conscious, and that’s the real problem. Enough about me.

Echo and Narcissus (1903) by John William Waterhouse

What do you think?

Do you believe getting a happily ever after is a given? If you disagree, do you reckon you might be among the few who are unchosen, and do you suspect that you could one day be labelled a failure in this regard?

Consider having to don the familiar façade of silently unhappy couples or an inauthentic version of you that’s palatable to the other’s taste so they might stay. 

We can only hope that we are among the chosen ones. Even I, with my skeptic mind, am, at heart, a romantic. For a person who broods about the possibility of lasting love is one who aims to receive a blow from Eros’ arrow. 

While I keep believing I will have it, I doubt the tale of a happily ever after. Time will tell. Till then…

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