Overthinking Anxiety
Anxiety is an ache that gnaws with all the negative what-ifs. I'm now yearning for days when I remained happy-go-lucky. Wishing to once again take for granted faith that things unfold in my favour.
Panic has gripped me this year. To be fair, I have been terrified for most of my life after 2016. Now yearning for days I remained happy-go-lucky, wishing to once again take for granted faith that things unfold in my favour.
This fear puzzles me on lucid days when I can notice that my life’s important plans typically go as planned. I should have, by now, become immune to needless anxiety, but at the same time, I understand.
It is the trauma of getting trapped in a toxic educational system for several years. The pain of realizing that no matter how much more I earn, I become poorer. It is the sequelae of a country and world ridden by corruption and injustice. And this fear grows with growing pressure from my well-wishers.
Anxiety is an ache that gnaws with all the negative what-ifs, ignoring experience that proves you do excel despite them. It insists you’d fail. It declares the voice whispering everything will be alright to be nothing but a no-good deceiver. That fear is gospel. And the more you worry, like a mental muscle exercising on a regimen with no days off, the stronger it becomes.
I wonder what predisposed you to adopting this routine.
Is it because you grew up in a tense home environment, with parents telling in different ways that you are not enough? Or does the unease emanate from the role hoisted on you as the now grown “smart/responsible” child? Not to be superstitious, but it could be your five placements in Virgo. And I know it doesn’t help to see loved ones struggling still, though each day has them giving their all. And you know that you are nothing special.
Oh, I long for the fine days when belief was of being a lucky girl. The era of feeling all that was needed to excel was consistent effort. Now I seek my forgotten mind while this dreadful one digs its heels, recalling times I believed in me and was negated. When I erected castles in the air that fizzled as I built.
As I fight to reconstruct that cratered cognitive landscape, I wish there weren’t so much pressure. That the world could agree harmony works better than domination and that when everyone has more, everyone has more. That we could do our part, small and big, in reshaping systems that harm us all.
I will try to not worry about unattaining expectations others set in my mind. To be free just to be and not always do. Give me trust and support to take my time and aligned steps on this exploration to discover success.
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Wow this is lovely, more of this please 👏🏽 .